Jokes ( Page 1 of 5 )

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At a football game three men May 09, 2013 08:59

At a football game three men got stuck sitting behind three nuns. They couldn't enjoy the game very much because the nun hats obscured their views. So they decided to disgust them which would coerce them into leaving the place. ''I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there," said the first man. "I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there.'' "I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there.'' Then one of the nuns turned around. "Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there." (AW- Anil)

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Bar Test! April 27, 2013 05:28

Three men enter a bar to buy beer. They fall short of a few bucks and the bartender notices them rummaging for money. He tells them, walk into my basement and sit in it for 4 hours in the night. If you manage to do so, ill give you free beer for life! Excited about free beer, one man walks into the basement, sits for an hour but he cannot stand the darkness and the innumerable flies and gives up. The second man, a little more chivalrous, goes in, ties a cloth around his orifices but he cannot stand the sound for more than two hours. “He comes out and says, two more minutes and I would have choked to death”. The last man, the weakest of them all enters the basement. Comes out after four and half hours. “Wow, how did you manage that?”“Simple, I took a shit in the far corner of the room and sat in the other corner. No flies, no suffocation” Earned his free beer, didn't he? (AW- Anil)

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Three friends enter a bar. April 09, 2013 05:39

Three friends enter a bar. After ordering a few drinks they start talking about how they are the supreme power in their houses dominating their wives. One guy says, I say something and it is a direct order. My wife knows better not to take more than 15 mins to get the job done. The adjacent guy says, my wife is afraid to sit next to me unless I tell her to do so. The third guy was awfully silent and the other two ask. What about your house? Will your wife abide by your commands? "Well, the other day she came down on her hands and knees," That's amazing man. But what did you do? "Erm. We had a fight and I hid under the bed. So she had to get down to call me out". (AW- Anil)

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A husband and wife April 08, 2013 06:03

A husband and wife have a big fight and stop talking to each other and the wife decides to go to her mother's place to allow things to settle down.  On the phone, she tells her mom, "Mom, I had a big fight with my husband. I'm tired of his attitude. I'm going to come over to our home." The mother, with all her experience, says, "No hon, why do you want to suffer? Let him suffer instead. I will come to live with the two of you for a while". (AW- Anil)

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A woman driving on the highway loses control March 29, 2013 06:03

One day, a woman driving on the highway loses control and careens into the wrong direction and slams into a car driven by a man. Their cars are crushed to the core but luckily not a scratch on both of them. After getting out of the wreckage in a few seconds, the woman tries to cover up her mistake saying, “God is great. Nothing happened to us. Probably this is a sign from him that we shouldn't sue each other and just be friends.” The man who is yet to come out of the confusion just nods in agreement and says, “ya probably”. He also finds an undamaged scotch bottle inside the car. He takes it out from the wreckage and chugs a third of the bottle, calming down his nerves. After getting the bottle down, the woman asks, “Aren't you...” The man cuts her sentence short, “No, lets just wait for the police”. Alcohol can make you think right at times ;) (AW- Anil)

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Bill Gates vs General Motors March 26, 2013 10:19

Bill Gates proudly boasts to the Chairman of General Motors, "Computer technology has come so far in such less time. If only the automobile industry had at least half the pace, we could have cars that weigh 1000 lbs, give 100 miles per gallon, drive at the speed of 1,000 mph and still cost only $50. The witty GM chairman had understood the mockery but decided to give it back to him. "Sure, that's right. Our technology might be slow but it doesn't crash 4 times a day, it cannot be pirated and the value of our cars increase by the year." (AW- Anil)

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A few Chemistry jokes for those science geeks March 21, 2013 09:03

A few Chemistry jokes for those science geeks 1. Never trust an atom, it makes up all kinds of things! 2. Earth is a diverse place to be in. It is made up of alkynes (read all kinds) of people. 3. Carbon and Hydrogen married without even dating for a day. They bonded all too well the moment they met. 4. What can scare chemists beyond their wits? Methylated spirits 5. Chemists are great problem solvers, they have all kinds of solutions ready. 6. Reading a book about Helium? I bet you can't just put it down. 7. My chemistry teacher loved telling us about ammonia. It is basic stuff. 8. Ice lived in a Borosil test tube and was in love with bunsen burner. The love was sadly one sided. Ice used to say, “Bunsen, my fire, I just melt at the sight of you”. The nonchalant bunsen used to say, “It's just a phase” (AW- Anil)

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Hope you enjoy them April 30, 2012 13:21

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates:  If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: -   English well talking. -   Here speeching American.

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Post dated cheque April 28, 2012 13:26

A motorist, driving in the countryside, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about Rs 3,000 today," said the owner. "But in four years it would have been worth Rs 30,000. So Rs 30,000 is what I have lost." The motorist sat down and wrote out a cheque and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the cheque for 30,000. It's postdated four years from now."

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Job Interview April 14, 2012 13:31

A man applied for a job and turned up at the office for a formal interview. He was asked to fill in the application form. After he was done with it, he handed it over to the employer and anxiously awaited a reply.  This was the conversation between the duo: Employer: "We have an opening for people like you." Applicant: "Oh, great." "What is it?" Employer: "It's called the door!"

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Does your dog bite? April 13, 2012 15:21

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, " Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "Why the hell did you lie? You said your dog doesn’t bite!" The shopkeeper replies innocently, "That is not my dog!"

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Doctor and Patient April 06, 2012 11:05

Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees. Wife: The doctor has come to see you.Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone. Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.

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Student Filpping Coin in Exam April 05, 2012 13:09

A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: "Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?" The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

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First Visit April 02, 2012 12:59

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we’ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table." "Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

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